Saturday, April 10, 2010
Ugh...
Why is it that it is so much easier to concentrate on the negative things in life, rather than the good? Perhaps because the negative things, are the things that gnaw on our brains until we either go crazy, forget, or learn to let the fuck go of them. I think of this because I have been really thinking about something (someone) lately. Something that I thought I put way behind me, something that I thought I let go of, something that is such a waste of my time and energy that I was done with it.....Well, my sneaky friend...you are an asshole. Why do I allow myself to dwell on shit that I can't do anything about? "What should I have done different?" "Why did this happen?" "I wonder what is going on with that person now?" FUCK! Why do I care anymore? I washed my hands of this over 2 years ago...or so I thought...why can't I just forget about it and move on? Because that's not the kind of person I am. She and I were great friends for so long, I just can't forget, I can't just say "screw her" as much as I want to, and to mean it. While I don't particularly want to be friends with her anymore, I would like to be able to think back on our friendship with fondness, instead of hatred, anger, and confusion. It's getting to the point where she's in my dreams and every time she's there...I either beat her ass, yell at her, or just have an all over feeling of anger and hate. Maybe a confrontation is in order to give me som closure on this situation...but I will probably never get it. Oh well. I know that a week from now I will think of this and say "aw fuck it, fuck her, and the horse she rode in on (ha)" but right now I am pissed, because I am thinking about it, because I am allowing myself to miss our friendship, and I'm pissed at myself for it.
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I so understand... had a similar situation and it hurt badly. Funny how people come into your life and exit on terms that aren't always agreeable. Your mind says one thing but your heart always overrides it. It's unfair. I want to say it will get better, it did for me. But it took saying to myself finally that I deserve better than to be trapped emotionally by this person who is no longer able to be what I need her to be. She doesn't exist anymore. So now I'm able to look back at the good times, and separate from the person she morphed into. I still am upset about how it ended, but I don't dwell. And trust me, it took the better part of 10 years to get there, so I'm by no means saying "get over it". I love you lots!
ReplyDeleteThanks Tracey! I love you too! It just blows you know? Really good friends since we were 4-5...and just out of the blue, done...basically because I was trying too hard to help her...but I guess it's hard to help someone who doesnt want to help themselves. Aw well...like I said in the post, I'm fine this week haha, but there are hard days still.
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