So, OK....

This post may be T.M.I.  so...just a forewarning ;-)

I have wanted to be a mommy forever.  I wanted to be a mommy when I was 3 and playing with my dollies. I still, very very much so, want to be a mommy.  I went off of "The Pill" February of this year, mainly because it was messing my body/hormones up in all sorts of ways, so we decided, together, that I needed to be off of it.  We decided that we would be using birth control of the latex variety until it came time when we were both ready to begin trying for a child.

At my last doctor's appointment a few months ago, she asked me if I wanted to go back on the ol B/C...I said "no" because I felt like a raving psycho when I was on it, and those of you who knew what I was like when I was on it can attest to this statement!!  She asked if I was comfortable if the situation came about that I would be pregnant and I said "Yes, very much so, provided I am ok health wise".  She said that since I am in general good health that I would be fine to be pregnant, however I may get gestational diabetes while pregnant, even though I have very normal to low blood sugar as of now, and that a lot of women contract it while pregnant, even skinny minnies, so it's treatable. Ok, fair enough...So the past few months I have been living a more healthy lifestyle.  I have always eaten pretty well, and I make sure to get all of the good food groups in every day.  Portion control is the main issue with me.  I love food...potatos and pasta being my favorite of foods (of course it can't be broccoli or something like that).  Anyhoo...I am constantly moving during my 8 hour days at "the office" which has helped as well as teaching dance classes.  So...we are taking care of that issue quite swiftly.  I realize I will never be a small person, but I do know that I really need to be healthier...Issue aside!

Well...that time is among us.  We haven't been "trying" -and when I say "trying" I mean like ovulation tests, body temps, pelvic positioning etc...-however we are not using any methods of prevention. 

We have been without "prevention" for 4 months.  I realize that in the grand scheme of things, 4 months is  nothing.  However, when you desperately want something, a week is a long time to wait, let alone months.  For those of you who have been in this situation...does it seem like everyone around you is pregnant?  Why all of the sudden am I surrounded by pregnant women?  Have I always been and just never noticed because we weren't trying at that point?  I see pregnant women everywhere now! What is the dilly-o? I have 2 pregnant co-workers, another who just had her little girl on Thanksgiving.  I have about 100 (okay 5) pregnant friends. Plus the multitude of random women I see skipping around with beach ball bellies.  It's infuriating! : D <--- (I say this with a smile, however)  I dearly love my friends who are expecting, many of which are expecting their first, and I am absolutely thrilled for all of them.  But, it is, at the same time, really hard.  Going to baby showers and shopping for baby stuff with them wrenches at my heart, but Im so glad that I can be there for them during such a special time, and I know that if it were me, they would be there with me oohing and aahing over burp cloths and diaper rash ointment. 

Recently, a friend of mine got pregnant "by accident" and decided to terminate.  I was/am so furious with her about this.  I was so so so very angry because something that I so desperately want, was "something that would ruin her life".  (she didnt, and still doesn't  know at this time that Jay and I are trying)   I was heartbroken. 

Even more recently, one of my very bestest friends received news that her and her hubby are expecting their first baby after almost a year of trying.  I was and am elated for them, because I know what a long road that must have been.  However, at first news, I was devastated, for myself for some reason.  How selfish is that?  VERY!!  So, dear friend (you know who you are) I am sorry for not being the friend I should have been over the last few weeks of your amazing journey into mommyhood.  I love you very much and I am truly, deeply happy for you.  I apologize for my selfishness, however, after your long battle with this same thing, Im sure you can somewhat relate. 

I am at a time of peace with this fight toward mommyhood.  I have faith that God will give us a child when He is good and ready, and not a moment sooner.  So, I will enjoy my hubs and my "passionate moments"  without thinking "This could be it!!!" for at least a little while longer.  As we begin our journey....wish us luck!


Thanks for Reading, Charity