Scared Sh%#less

Pregnancy is a time in a woman's life that is full of fears and doubts.   Will I miscarry? What is causing that bleeding?  Why am I cramping so much?  Is he moving enough?  Is he moving too much?  Will I be able to deliver naturally?  Will I be able to handle the pain?  What if I go into labor too early?  What if something happens to him during delivery?  What if something happens to me during delivery?  What if he's sick?  What if he has to go to the NICU? What if we don't make it to the hospital in time and I have to give birth on the side of the road?  Will we be able to take care of this baby after he gets here?  All of these fears...no matter how silly they may seem, are all very real to the mother carrying that precious cargo. I, myself have thought once or twice about all of these things, plus many more.  A few that have been plaguing me recently are as follows, and the main reason I am sharing these is because I need a way to work through these thoughts, in a way that just thinking about them or even discussing them with my husband won't quench.

1) What if he's stillborn?
 I was watching A Baby Story the other day, and this couple was on there that had lost a previous baby...full term.  She had a completely normal, healthy pregnancy up until 37 weeks, when the baby died.  They didn't say what "caused" the baby's death, but of course, since I am quite impressionable these days, it made me ask this question.  What if that happens to Hogan?  So...of course...I go on an information rampage, googling, and reading everything I can get my fingers on about stillborn babies, and what causes this awful thing to happen.  Of course...I find several things that I have/had/have done that can cause Stillbirth.
*High blood pressure-  I mentioned how my job was affecting my pregnancy health...this was what it was.  It was not horribly high, (140's over 80's)  my Doctor put me on B/P meds to control it (which had to be increased 3 times...and still didn't really go down until I got laid off) and my doctor monitored me closely with weekly visits. I am still taking these meds, just to be safe, but my blood pressure is not an issue at this point.  However, it's still something that bothers me.
*Obesity- As stated before, I am not a small lady...my Doctor didn't think it would be an issue for me to be pregnant at my size (I made sure to ask before I got pregnant) since I had no other health issues...my blood sugar was excellent, my blood pressure was excellent, I was active, and in good shape other than being a fatty and any other blood work I had done came back normal...so...he encouraged us to keep trying. He still mentions nothing about my size/weight, except when I gained 5 pounds in a week...and that was only until he saw my legs and feet and saw exactly where that weight was residing in the form of swelling/water weight.
*Low Movement- If Hogan takes a day off from being Chuck Norris' apprentice and doesn't move as much as he usually does (even though I can still feel him moving) I freak out.  I do fetal kick counts to make sure that he is moving at least 10 times in 2 hours...usually he accomplishes this in the first 10-15 minutes...but I am SO enormously scared that this precious baby that we want SO much is going to be taken from us.  Then I feel so stupid for worrying about these things that I don't bring them up to my doctor.  I know that he wouldn't think me silly and could probably put my mind at ease if I did bring them up, but I'm apparently a moron and am just happier worrying about it....stupid.  This has made me make the decision to definitely bring these things up to him at our next appointment on Thursday.  Ahhh...an epiphany! (haha)

2) How will my relationship with Jason change after the baby is born?
My husband and I have an incredible relationship.  We can talk to each other about ANYTHING. I love this man so much that I don't have any idea how my heart will hold all the love I have for him and all the love I have and will have for our son.  I know that our relationship will change...that's part of what happens when you have a baby.  I just don't want to turn into that couple that fights all the time, and argues about every little thing.  Or that couple that doesn't talk at all, or who's conversations are only about their child and about nothing else...I don't want us to lose our identity as a couple just because we also have a child. 

These are the Two subjects that have caused me the most anguish during this last trimester.  I am otherwise more than ready for Hogan to be here.  His room is ready, the house is ready (mostly).  All we have to do is install the car seat. I cannot wait to meet this boy and kiss those chubby cheeks that we have been seeing on his ultrasounds.  
I think that Hogan knows when I am thinking/writing about him. Today is one of those days when he hasn't been especially active, but it's as if he knows when I am worrying, because he just started jabbing around in there as if to say "I'm just fine mommy, don't worry."
I feel a little better about these things now...isn't it funny how just writing something down it can bring more clarity?  I have thought all of these thoughts before...but somehow seeing them written makes more sense.  Weird.  I will definitely discuss fear #1 with my doctor on Thursday to put my mind to rest at least a little.  So....I spose until next time, take care!


In Strength, Love & Faith, Thanks for Reading, Charity